Part I

I witnessed a look of remorse in her eyes moments before she died. She was a skilled actress. She faked one too many laughs, orgasms, smiles, caring glances & sincere kisses. How was this any different? Yet I'm haunted by her contrite eyes and self-effacing stare. She gave the performance of her lifetime and left me with a heavy heart for the rest of mine. After all, I did love her. Not with a feeling of underlying oneness. We had lived ours lives independent of each other for a year now. She did not belong to me anymore, but I had a passion for her like no other. I needed her as much as I needed air or water. Loving her was not a choice but a necessity of life.

I can still hear her muttering, "please go," over the sound of police sirens screaming in the distance. She wanted me to be free even though she lay there on the cold living room floor bloodied and dying. I could hear the blood flooding her lungs as her breath fought to escape drowning. She looked up at me once more and pleaded, "please, you must leave." I kissed her on her forehead, turned around and obeyed her last wish. Once outside the house, I took a deep breath of the cold night air for her.

It's been a week since that horrific day when our life together ended. I've watched the news four times a day waiting to hear her name. I need to hear her name. Instead they focus on the murder of millionaire, Devlin Brady. It's as if she never existed. Like she was a figment of my impoverished imagination. Apparently, it's only news if rich people are murdered. Brady owned a successful hotel chain and was under constant investigation by the FBI. It was widely believe that Brady had ties to the Scarfone crime family. I can tell you that he was anything but an honest businessman. The truth is that Brady deserved to die. Emma did not deserve to go out like that. Not Em.

Brady appealed to Em in a way that I never could. She was seduced by his money and power. She used to refer to me as her better half. If that was true, then he was the worst of her. I had no idea how deep her nefariousness went. I thought her dark-side was limited to kinky sex and a sarcastic disposition, but it went much deeper than that. She was a lawyer by trade and a lover of the night by birth. She loved the finer things in life so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to find out that she was sleeping with her wealthiest client.

Hindsight is 20/20, but I traveled the path to our demise unknowingly. I ignored the neon signs. The most glaring sign was just that…a glare from Em's closest friend, Hidiya. Her eyes were filled with a sadness that I had never seen before. Every time we were at a social gathering, I would feel her stare from across the room. Hidiya & Emma were best friends since childhood. I met both of them at a party during the first semester. It was Hidiya that first caught my attention. She stood with her back to the wall. She was wearing a long white loosely fitting dress with her dreads neatly wrapped in a white scarf. She had a bohemian quality that I found genuine and unacquired. Hidiya's almond shaped eyes met mine and she shared the beauty of her smile with me for the first time. Her smile was her best feature. It was unarming and infectious. No matter how upset or angry you felt inside, if Hidiya smiled at you, you smiled back.

I made my way over to Hidiya. Her eyes stayed focused on me until I was within five feet from her. She looked down and bit gently down on her bottom lip before inviting my conversation with another flash of her brilliant smile. "Hi, my name is Paul. Paul Travato. I'm sure you hear this all the time, but you have the most beautiful smile that I have ever seen."

"Nice to meet you Paul. My name is Hidiya. I have heard that compliment before but it's the first time that I've heard it from you." We exchanged smiles and I was about to ask her to dance when I heard a stern voice over my right shoulder. "Hidiya, here's your drink." I turned around and saw a dark-skinned man around 6'5 with a mean look on his face. There was a moment of silence before Hidiya broke the tension.

"Thanks Jeremy," she said as she reached for her drink. "I'd like you to meet Paul." Jeremy nodded his hello. His eyes told me to back away from his woman.

Jeremy had another gorgeous woman standing to his left. She was dressed in a tight black leather dress that did not leave much to the imagination. Hidiya motioned towards her friend and said "Paul, I'd also like to introduce you to my best friend, Emma."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Emma," I said as I tried to focus my eyes on her face and not at her amazing figure.

Please call me Em," she responded.

I nodded my head in acknowledgement of her wish. "Would you like to dance Em?" I had to get out of this awkward situation. I was drawn to Hidiya but Em had stolen the show with her long supple legs. I couldn't wait to get her on the dance floor.

"I'd love to," she answered. As we made our way to the dance floor I looked back at Hidiya. Our eyes had a conversation about what would be…could be…next lifetime. That was the last time we publicly fantasized about us as a couple.

That night was the perfect synopsis to my life. Style over substance. I went for the sexier of the two friends. The one that looked the part. The one that was available when I wanted her. Eventually, I found out that looks weren't everything and definitely not enough to make a relationship work. I did love Em with all her faults. I loved her without really knowing if she loved me back. She needed me. She needed my love. Need is not love. I was the one that wasn't impressed by her job or her degree. The one that loved the poor girl that she was more than the successful woman that she had become.

What happened to my life? Before I could answer my thought, the phone rang. It was Hidiya.

"Paul please tell me that you didn't kill her," she pleaded. I was silent. Emotion had my larynx in a vice grip. I choked on remorse and was reminded of Em's gasps for air.

"You were right. I shouldn't have gone over to the house," I answered.

"The police have been here looking for you Paul. I didn't tell them that you left me a message explaining what happened. I wanted to talk to you first."

"Hidiya," I said before I paused to gather my thoughts. "I hope you know that it's not your fault. You're my friend. You told me what any good friend would tell me."

She was silent for a moment and answered, "That's not true. Maybe if we didn't share a kiss. Maybe if I didn't covet your marriage. Then I'd be a friend. You have to turn yourself in."

"I would turn myself in but I won't last 3 minutes on the street with Brady's thugs and the police after me," I explained.

"Then I'll come and get you," she answered.

"That's cool. I'll call you in the morning."

"Good night Paul," she said in a wishful tone.

"I wish it could be," I responded seconds before hanging up the phone. I rested my head on the pillow and wondered if the police would believe my story.

Part II of Reverse is online! Click here to continue.

• The Kiss
• Introducing Delano
• Puppy Love
• Soul of Brooklyn
• Reverse