"Oh let me give you the results of your HIV test," was the last thing I heard her say. She began to look through my folder. At least twenty seconds past before she opened up her mouth to begin speaking again. I watched anxiously as her full lips parted. I felt my heart pounding like it was about to explode. She`s about to speak! Shit! She was only yawning. She continued to look through my medical file for the results. She turned each page slowly, studying my history. I wondered if my test was positive. I remember the day that I found out Magic Johnson was HIV positive. I was on my way to basketball practice for Flatbush YMCA. I remember thinking that I should slow down. If Magic could get it, so could I. I started to think about the all the wild nights that I had. I thought back to the time before sex caused me any problems, and how I let it ruin my life.

This tall, slim, and confident Black man used to be a fat and insecure little boy. I grew up in Flatbush, Brooklyn. It ain`t the suburbs, but ain`t exactly the ghetto either. The year was 1989. I was 15 and all my friends were telling me about sex. Sex was the bomb! Everyone was doing it (I`d learn later that men lie about their sexual experiences). I was the only male virgin on the block! I was curious about this sex stuff. Everyday that summer, all the guys on the block used to watch pornos at O`s crib. His father had a huge selection of magazines and videos. I later learned that a lot of guys learn about sex that way (I guess that`s where we get that "what`s my name?" *bleep* from).

That summer I got with Sona. Sona had sex with O about four months before (He was actually the only one who had really had sex). All summer long I tried to get Sona in my bed, but she wasn`t having it. I don`t think she liked whatever O did to her. Eventually, Sona and I did have sex, and it was the bomb! She told me that I had O by at least 3 inches, and worked it twice as long. I could have died a happy fat kid that day. Little did I know that my debut performance awoke the nymphomaniac in Sona. The girl wanted it any and every way as many times as she could get it. At the age of 15, I was having sex at least three hours a day for 3 months. I finally broke up with Sona (from exhaustion). The Sona experience seemed great at the time. If I could please Sona, I could please any woman. But it also messed me up big time. I was too young to understand about relationships. For years, I`ve had problems distinguishing between sex and relationships. That was the beginning of my troubles...

(Part II)

I wasn't exactly popular in High School, but I was known. For the most part, I got along with everyone. I wasn't on any teams, so I got no play from the ladies. I was a want-to-be bad boy, roaming the hallways during free periods, and running from the security guards. Everyday at fifth period, I would always see this one girl by her locker. She was real slim with wide almond eyes, and cocoa skin that had that "just lotioned look". She'd always smile at me, flashing her dimples (I love dimples!). One day she called me over to her locker. She asked me with the attitude that only a Brooklyn girl could have "Why do you roam the halls all day? Don't you have anything better to do?" I usually froze in situations like that. I would say something stupid or really nerdy. Her attitude made it easier for me to come back, because now my pride was at stake. "Maybe I'm looking for you," I answered. She looked me up & down and then showed me the most beautiful smile that I had ever seen. She told me her name was Karen, and she invited me to her birthday party.

Karen lived in the worst section of Brownsville, Brooklyn. She was known to hang with the thugs from school and I was not about to go into their neighborhood alone at night. I conveniently got sick the night of her party. Karen made it a point to tease me everyday for not showing up. She said I broke her heart, and that I had to take her to the movies to make up for it. That was the beginning of our relationship.

Just as I thought, Karen was easy to please after dealing with Sona. Karen had a lot more experience than I did, but she wasn't much on passion. Sona had trained me well. I was a sexual soldier with an erection that wouldn't quit after an orgasm. Karen loved it. If she loved the sex, then she must have loved me. After all I was the one giving her the pleasure.

Karen was a party animal, and loved the bad boy image. I think the only reason she went out with me after she found out I wasn't really a bad boy was the sex. We had sex before school, after school, and sometimes when we should have been in school. Eventually, she started cheating on me. I knew it, but never called her on it. I got reports from other party animals that she was winding on this guy, or drinking with those guys. My insecurity let me put up with her shit. I pretended not to see it. I started playing basketball to occupy my time.

All that damn ball playing got me looking type good. I started getting a lot of compliments from girls in school. Everyday some girl would ask me "What are you doing with Karen?" I didn't know the answer. One day she came by with a hicky on her neck. I called her on it, and she went crazy. Told me some guy grabbed her at a party...That she was innocent...That I didn't love her...because love is trust...and I didn't trust her...She was good at playing with my weak mind...but she didn't notice one thing. I was no longer the insecure boy she got with. I was secure enough to be alone, so I did what I should've done months before. I dumped her.

A month later I got a call from her. I thought it was just her weekly "I want you back" call. It wasn't. Karen was one month pregnant. Now, I found it odd that she was exactly one month pregnant. If the Baby was mine, it happened the very last time we had sex. I used a condom, but knew that they didn't always work. I asked her what she wanted to do, but she didn't know. I was against abortion, but I wasn't for parenthood at 17 either. I needed to think about it. I told her to give me one day before she told anyone else. She agreed.

The next day I saw my sister and her friend running towards the b-ball court on 35th. My Sis told me Karen was by the house with her parents....DAMN!!

I was scared. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I felt the weight on the world on me. What would her Father do to me? What would my Parents do to me after her parents left? I did what any scared little boy would do....I ran

I must of knocked on a hundred doors that afternoon. No one was home!

I found myself wondering into the park, which is the first place anyone would look for my b-ball playing @$$. Her Father was there waiting. He took me home. In front of my family, he proceeded to tell me that I had no say in the matter. His daughter would get an abortion. I could do nothing to stop it. I was 17 and scared. I said nothing. The whole time Karen kept her head down. She didn't look at me until they were leaving. Even then it was quick. Her eyes met mine and quickly dropped to the floor. If the Baby wasn't mine, I don't blame her for telling her parents it was mine. Everyone else she dealt with were high school drop outs, drug dealers, or both.

(Part III)

Now I took the abortion thing pretty hard. Every time I saw a child I felt guilty. I didn't fight for my child, but how could I? I was only a child myself. I stopped beating myself up over something I couldn't control. I started to talk about my problems with Stephanie. Steph was one of the cutest and most wanted females in high school. We opened up to each other. I thought my life was bad. Her problems seemed worse. She was in an abusive relationship, had low self esteem, and family problems. One by one I helped her deal with all of her problems. I showed her how beautiful she was, and that she deserved the world. If I had the chance that's exactly what I wanted to give her...The world!

Over the course of a year, I fell very much in love with Steph....love?....Yeah...For the first time, I was in love. We hadn't even kissed, yet I spent moments with her that were more intimate than any sexual marathon I had with Sona. When Steph finally broke up with that abusive loser. We agreed she needed space. I wasn't about to waste the time I invested in her by rushing things. I loved her, and wanted her to love me. I didn't want her on the rebound. So we remained friends. I started talking to Marsha. It wasn't serious. We would just go to the movies and hang out together. Steph got jealous...said she wanted me to herself..I was cool with that, so I stopped seeing Marsha. I was ready to talk to Steph about us when....

I saw her with Ricky. Ricky was the only guy in high school that hated me. He used to talk to Karen, and blamed me for their break up. The truth is I didn't even know they were an item. I stayed out of the gossip stuff. He broke up with Karen, but was still trying to get some. She found it someplace else...with me...He hated me for that. Well, he got me back big time. She was talking to this loser. My heart was broken. That marked the last time I ever loved someone with all my heart. From then on I trusted no one.

Over the next four months I became a player. I dated at least 5 girls at a time. I hurt a lot of them. I didn't care. I felt nothing. My heart was frozen. It was thawed by Nancy. When I told her that I wasn't interested in her anymore, she cried right there. Most of them got angry, or got teary eyed, but never cried in front of me. She put her head in my chest and wept. I felt her pain. This wasn't me. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just didn't want to be hurt anymore.

Ricky was engaged to this 23 year old woman. I knew, but didn't tell Steph. I thought she deserved whatever she got. She was too smart for him and eventually found out he was an idiot. Of course she wanted to get with me. I saw it coming from a mile away. I fought her off for a month. She explained how she was scared to date me. That she was scared of falling in love. I still loved her. It was only a matter of time before I gave in.

We had a great relationship. Steph went to college in New Jersey. Her father got a job with Microsoft out there. It was only a two hour train ride. We saw each other every weekend. Everyone just knew that we were going to get married. We were the perfect couple until....

She called me and told me she was pregnant. This time there was no need to think it over. I was 20, and in love. I told her that we were going to have this Baby. She helped me get over my depression after Karen's abortion, so she knew my feelings. She said she would tell no one until I arrived.

The next morning I trooped to New Jersey. I can't lie. I was excited. I was proud that she would have my Baby. I loved her, and we were going to be a family. I was ready to make up for my mistakes. I was ready to take responsibility. I was ready to be a man. When I walked into her room, I was greeted by teary eyes. I asked her "What's wrong?" "I'm so sorry," was the answer. I saw her look over my shoulder. I turned around to see her parents slide in the room and close the door behind them....DAMN!

I heard the speech before. I didn't listen to the whole thing this time. I drifted off. I couldn't believe this was happening to me....AGAIN! To make a long story short. Steph had the abortion. We were never the same after. I guess I blamed her. I went back to being a player, until I broke her heart. I later realized that I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at myself for not taking her father on. I thought we needed his support, but we didn't. He would have kicked her out for sure (he promised he would), but my Mom would have taken her in. I guess I wasn't ready to be a man.

I've grown up a lot since then. I'm still scared. Scared that I'll never have a happy ending. A lot of my friends wonder why I stay single. I think a part of me feels that I don't deserve to be happy. That my right to be happy died with my unborn children. I need to solve my issues with myself, before I can give myself to someone. I'm halfway there, but it's a long road. I have to walk it alone. I try to keep my head up. Stay positive....negative...."Excuse me?...Sir?...I said you tested negative...Everything is fine. Would you like some condoms?"

"Yeah, give me as many as you can."

• The Kiss
• Puppy Love
• Soul of Brooklyn
• Reverse